We had to make the decision to take Parker off of life support. Selfishly, I wanted more time with our baby; more time to hold him, kiss him, love him. I still wish we had waited. We knew from what the doctors had told us that he would never lead a normal life, that he would probably be on life support forever. It was selfish for me to want to keep him on life support just so we could have more time with him. Asking the doctor to remove his breathing tube and unhook the about 50 other wires and tubes were the most difficult words to say. I felt my heart shattering. I knew that my life would never be the same. I'd never be completely happy again.
As our baby stopped breathing, his heart stopped beating, and he began to turn purple in my arms, my world completely fell apart. I hated myself for my mistakes from my past. I still hate myself for not knowing or feeling that something was wrong.
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| Mommy & Daddy miss you so much! |
Childrens National Medical Center in Washington DC is amazing! Although I hope none of you ever have to experience having your child admitted to a hospital for life threatening reasons, I would recommend them to everyone! On a lighter note, their cafeteria (if you can find it) is awesome!
You are a very strong person, and I hope you know that. I don't think it's selfish at all to have wanted to have more time with him. To be honest, I don't know that I would have been able to make a decision like that.
ReplyDeleteHe will never be replaced, but God did give you a wonderful little boy to love and you probably have an appreciation/love for him that no one will ever be able to touch.
It's good to get these thoughts out and I feel very lucky to know someone like you!