Imagination

Just as a note before i start this post: I'm keeping my dark posts away from "High Heels".  And i wont be posting these links to Facebook.  Even though I've made this space public again, it is still my safe place to write about my dark days and my darkest moments.

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Whenever I tell someone new our Parker's story, I always hear the same thing; "I couldn't imagine".  And they would be totally correct.  I'm sure they could imagine the initial feelings of sadness and loss.  But the feelings that come and go, day in and day out, week after week, year after year, those are unfathomable.

The feelings of your life standing still, while everyone around you moves on.  The feeling of having a giant gaping hole in your chest, that throbs and aches, but no remedy can heal.  The panic from having to go out in public where happy families with healthy living babies are.  The dense fog that lingers over your life.  Jealousy sets in when you read Facebook posts from new moms complaining about how tired they are from being up with a fussy baby all night; because you would give anything to have a fussy baby to be up all night with.  Anger comes when you start to ask why.  Why did my baby have to die?  You begin to have anxiety about holidays, birthdays, angelversaries.  Knowing that each one means its been even longer, but the pain, the hurt is still fresh, as if it was just yesterday.   You begin to realize that you're living in a nightmare, a nightmare no one in your real life can relate to.  You lose friends, because they don't know what to say, and they just stop coming around.  You start to feel more connected with people you've talked to online because they write such beautiful posts that you can relate too, because they are living the same nightmare.  You realize that you've cried more in the last (X amount of time) than you have smiled or laughed.

And eventually over time you begin to find peace within yourself.  You make peace with the fact that yes, my baby died and my friends abandoned me.  But, I've made many more wonderful friends, many whom i will never meet in real life, but know they are always there should i need and ear or a shoulder. You face daunting tasks, like shopping for a baby shower gift, head on, knowing you will make it your bitch!  Facebook just fades out of your life entirely, until you are ready to go back and make it your bitch too!