Bittersweet September

Really, I thought about titling this post somewhere along the lines of:
The CBASWDMF,September.
Use the potty mouth dictionary to figure that out.  Old habits are hard to break; my potty mouth and my love of cuss words is an old habit that is slowly but surely being broken.  But September is a joyous month for us, as well as world shattering. That's why Disturbed Radio on Pandora is blasting as Im writing tonight.  To help keep the tears at bay.

This time last year i was chomping at the bit; waiting for September 3rd to hurry the fuck up and get here already!  I was so excited about getting to meet the newest man in my life, B.  I was so excited to hold him, love him, kiss him, feed him, listen to his first poops in his "Rubbermaid bin" at the hospital, and most importantly hear him scream and cry for the first time.  I didn't nurse, my milk ducts didn't cooperate this go round; but i was so happy to hear that boy screaming every time they wheeled him in to my room because he was hungry.  I knew if i kept him in my room i would never get any damn sleep, i would stay up, all night, looking at him, holding him, adoring him.
Here we are a year later and I really cannot wait for B's birthday to be over!  I don't know where the year went, i remember everything, but looking back at it, it doesn't feel like its been a year.  I swear if you ever throw a kids birthday party for more than just family, hire a damn event planner.  I have spent the last 2 days cleaning every nook and cranny of my house and tidying up the yards.  I should've just hired a maid service and a landscaping company instead of breaking my back pulling weeds and scrubbing my hopeless carpets.  Thank god my auto-brew coffee pot was delivered Tuesday afternoon, i would not have made it through the last few days without it!

But later this month, oh later in this wonderful and shitty month, is Parker's Birthday, September 21st.  He will be 2 or is it would be, I don't know.  It will be his 2nd Birthday, in heaven. And 2 days later on September 23rd, it will be 2 years since he died; his 2nd Angelversary.  Then comes October 3rd, 2 years since we put our angel in the ground, next to his Aunt Melody.  That was the longest 2 weeks of my life.  I don't really remember much of it.  My doctors had me so doped up on whatever the hell they gave me.  Most of what i remember was Greg going out and getting Sheetz breakfast and coffee for us every morning, and him playing nurse for my pic-line antibiotics after I was finally released from the hospital.  I remember thinking, if he wants to kill me he'll do it while he's hooking my pic-line up.  I remember wanting to die, hoping to not wake up in this nightmare another morning.  I sat in Parker's empty nursery everyday after Greg had to go back to work.  I held Parker's clothes, i smelled them, i slept with them at night.  Greg bought him a little stuffed animal dog, when he got transferred to Children's National Hospital, I slept with it every night for months and months.  When we got Parker's package from the NICU nurses and doctor that cared for him while he was there, they included the blanket covering the bedding that was in his bed; it still smelled like him. I still pull it out from time to time and smell it, just to be able to hold him again.

We should be having 1 big birthday party for both of my sons somewhere in the middle of this fucked up goddamn month.

Tears are the words the heart can't express and sometimes the memories are worth the pain.