I hit a brick wall today. I knocked me back so far and so fast. It must have been invisible, becuase if I had seen it coming, I would have changed course, quickly.
I know Parker's complete story isn't on my page. Im not sure it will ever be. Not becuase i dont want to share my son's story with you but becuase i really dont remember. Greg has the whole story, and if he ever gets around to writing it all down for me, i will share it with you; every word.
I somehow managed to come across a video this morning. I dont even remember how i found it. Perusing a friends facebook page maybe? I dont remember, thats how hard i hit that wall. We all know i wasn't on godvine.com for my daily spiritual "whatever". Excuse me while i burst out laughing for a moment. Anyways, I didn't anticipate that watching this video would move me back to the end of 2009.
Parker had that same experimental cooling treatment, becuase he too was born not breathing and did not have a heartbeat. I've never researched the experimental treatment, becuase i knew that reading about babies that went on to lead normal healthy lives would destroy me.
So im back to that what if stage. Im back to angry. Why didn't it work for MY baby? What if we had waited to take him off of life support and let the cooling treatment work longer? Would we have Parker here with us?
I hate the what if's. On occassion I still find myself saying, "what if we didn't do the surgery, would Liam still be alive?" It just sucks when your on the bad end of things and you know it had worked for so many, why not our babies.
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